Is it too much to ask for computers and Web sites that work?
I'm making my list, and I want a helluva lot more than my two front teeth!
December 8, 1999
A Computer That Works
I want a better computer and operating system! If we can put a man on the Moon, then we can build a computer that's at least as reliable as a 60s muscle car. And how about an operating system that's actually built with speed in mind? If they were going to design Windows so that it has to be rebooted every five minutes (Mac isn't much better), couldn't they at least have made it reboot a little faster? Hasn't anyone ever considered how much time is lost in a typical business day, waiting around for computers that are supposed to be "the latest and greatest?"
The problem of course, isn't the hardware, so much as the bloated software that's designed to display a lot of cutesy animations, and dispense a lot of pablum advice ("First, make sure the power cord [the long gray thing attached to the back of the computer] is connected to an electrical outlet."), instead of being designed for speed. And what's with all this rebooting? Apparently the old saw "time is money" doesn't mean anything to the geniuses up in Redmond. For next Christmas, could we please have an OS that doesn't need to be rebooted every time you make a minor change to your network settings?
E-commerce That You Can Actually Use
I want a few of the big-time retailers to make up their minds that e-commerce is worth pursuing, and that their reputation is worth protecting. Why is it that major corporations set up e-commerce sites that don't work? And offer no way to contact a human to bitch about it! On the Web, there's no distinction between reputable companies and fly-by-night shysters! They're all shysters when it comes to reliability and customer service!
If just one big company would come out and say, "We're so convinced that customer service is the key to e-commerce, that we guarantee that our Web site will be up, your order will be processed correctly, and there will be a customer service rep who you can call any time you like." And then invest the dollars to make it come true. They'd earn a place in business history, and maybe a little something else, too.
An End to the Browser Wars
I want the browser makers to quit their bickering and decide once and for all on a standard. I'm tired of having to design different pages for different browsers! For Pete's sake, software developers have to conform to the standards of the OS they're writing for, why shouldn't the two browser makers conform to the official HTML standard, for the luvva Mike? This doesn't mean browsers can't be different. Au contraire, a bevy of different browser standards will probably soon be the norm, thanks to non-PC Web-viewing devices like cell phones, TVs, wristwatches and lapel pins. XML, anyone?
Chuck Raves On
In short, I want everyone in the computer industry to get together in the true spirit of Holiday brotherhood, and start working together for the good of computer users everywhere. Ask not what the Internet can do for your bank account - Ask what we, enabled by the Internet, can do together for the good of all mankind!
But will they do all this stuff? Nah, not a chance! 2000 will undoubtedly bring even more bloated software, more pathetic .coms, and a slower Internet, even though bandwidth will increase a dozen times. The sad fact is that the current technological and economic boom has created a scene in which more value is placed on doing things fast than on doing them right. If you don't rush ahead with your latest magnum opus, some other guy'll beat you to market!
Some Christmas! A bunch of toys that would be lots of fun, if they worked, but they're all buggy and crash all the time! A partridge that won't sing (until you log onto the Web and spend two hours downloading the latest driver), in a pear tree that doesn't produce any pears (except when the pear-tree repairman is there). Bah! Humbug!
